Familiar Safety

As we have started opening back up in the pub and slowly hiring back the front of house staff I have spent more time in the brewery working. This usually involves music and brewing (self-reflection). 

As we have worked extremely hard on limited staff over the last two months I have struggled to find my place in the FOH (Front of House). I actually told my boss during this time that I was struggle to stay useful and relevant. I don’t like being told what to do. Not in the arrogant type of being or rebellious aspect of it. If I’m being told what to do then I actually begin to feel in the way and useless. This struggle of finding my place was amplified in a way I didn’t realize until earlier this week. 

You see, the hardest part about this time of COIVD for me wasn’t the quarantine… or even being alone… It’s the longing for the familiar or the safety of the familiar.  

The only problem with this is that to achieve the familiar right now I want to retreat to former positions. Whether that be an attitude or relationship I once had and hung on to for safety. 

Over the last couple of yrs I have experienced some real heart break and betrayal by people that I loved with everything I had. So much of me was left in those relationships and so much of me has been repaired since then. Not because I wanted to but because I had to do it. Reaching inside and bringing up all the shit you deal with isn’t as easy as one can hope for. 

It’s painful. It’s gut wrenching. And in some cases it’s tearful and can lead to minor depression. So why in the world am I longing for this “familiar” and for this “safety” knowing what it did to me? 

I don’t have answer for that… Why does one want to do what isn’t good for them? Is it because it’s easier than moving forward to the unknown? Is it because we see what we don’t understand or know as scary…?

There is a conversation that I have wanted to have with someone for a little bit. But I have made this assessment and I have wanted to make sure that what I’m doing and the reason for these conversations aren’t because of my “longing for the familiar.”

It’s strange to say… and it’s hard to admit that… It almost makes you feel weak when you call it out in yourself... I mean why we want the past... the familiar.

This has been my struggle and wondering through all of this… Wondering if the familiar in this instance is really that safe. The reality is that it might not be safe at all. This is probably one of those times where sitting with a thought is much safer than acting on it

Just quarantine thought.