I Don't Go Anymore...

I don’t go to church anymore… there I said. I don’t care what you think of me or how you feel about it. I’m not mad or defensive one way or the other. You can be disappointed if you want. That’s fine. Again. I’m not worried about what you think of me in this regard. And I know… “don’t forsake the gathering or believers”… I’m not, you can still go. I’m just not going. And I will tell you why if you would like to listen to what I’m going to say about why myself and so many others have walked away from the church and not the faith. Please understand that last bit... The church... not the faith.   

I have started referring to myself as a recovering Christian. What does that mean? Well. I say that in the since that I used to be a very “legalistic” individual at times and on certain issues. But here lately (last couple of yrs) I don’t see the world in black in white (whatever that means to you) or right and wrong or left and right. There is way more grey area out there in the world than anyone in a pew or behind a pulpit cares not only to admit but also to preach/talk about. 

It’s been about a year since I went to my regular church here and one of the last times I was there the pastor asked me how the “sermon/talk” was that morning. Please know that I have a tremendous amount of respect for this person and his position (I've known him and his family for years). And he had asked me this question on several occasions. And for whatever reason I always answered as honestly as I knew how and this time was no different. In short I told him that, he shouldn’t be scared of a topic and shouldn’t dance around it. As we were not given a “Spirit of fear and timidity…” And to quit talking about how life should work and start talking about how it actually does work. 

Far too many pastors and teachers are talking from the pulpit and in their “counseling” sessions about how it should work instead of how it actually does work. We don’t live in a utopia… we live in a fallen broken world. We shouldn’t be talking about how the utopia works.  But about how life actually works and what do about it. Quit placing life into the teachings of the Bible and bring the teachings Bible into lessons of life. I know that sounds like I’m being a heretic but I’m not… I’m not saying change what the Bible says in order to make it work with life and make “you feel good”… (ie “Prosperity Gospel/Teaching”). I’m actually saying the exact opposite... there are times where the "encouragement" should kick your butt. 

#2, There is this trend, if you will, by “Christians” of telling people why they left the church. I’m sorry but shut-up and listen to their stories. The church is horrible about dehumanizing people because of what was experienced and in some cases they disregard the experience all together. All the stories are different. Please do not lump them into one category about how some one was done wrong. You don’t need to read damn book written by anyone or a research group to figure this out. The reason I think this is done is the same reason it’s done on an individual level… Either the person doesn’t want to listen… or the person is scared of what is being said and that the truth of someone was hurt by “the church” is too much to handle. It shakes “Christians” to the core… or at least it should.

#3, Get out of pews and out from behind the pulpit. Quit praying for a change and begging God for a change in your community. Get off your asses and put boots on the ground. And be genuine! For crying out loud be GENUINE!

It aggravates me to hear someone in “The Church” say, “We’re just trying to love them with intention.” Really… isn’t love in and of itself intentional. You have to make a decision to do it… to show it… after all it is a verb in that case. Like any other verb it has to be done intentionally. 

So if you are “loving people with intention” what is your intention? To get them in to your faith or you pews or some other reason… which would be intentional… and anything but genuine. Correct me if i’m wrong but we do and have preached that love should not have a motive other than love itself right? Then why love for any other reason… other than love?

Maybe the love should be genuine... not "intentional". 

And there is your 3 point Methodist sermon… 

And to anyone I offended with this entry… That wasn’t the intention. But you may need to sit back and ask why it “offended” you… 

Familiar Safety

As we have started opening back up in the pub and slowly hiring back the front of house staff I have spent more time in the brewery working. This usually involves music and brewing (self-reflection). 

As we have worked extremely hard on limited staff over the last two months I have struggled to find my place in the FOH (Front of House). I actually told my boss during this time that I was struggle to stay useful and relevant. I don’t like being told what to do. Not in the arrogant type of being or rebellious aspect of it. If I’m being told what to do then I actually begin to feel in the way and useless. This struggle of finding my place was amplified in a way I didn’t realize until earlier this week. 

You see, the hardest part about this time of COIVD for me wasn’t the quarantine… or even being alone… It’s the longing for the familiar or the safety of the familiar.  

The only problem with this is that to achieve the familiar right now I want to retreat to former positions. Whether that be an attitude or relationship I once had and hung on to for safety. 

Over the last couple of yrs I have experienced some real heart break and betrayal by people that I loved with everything I had. So much of me was left in those relationships and so much of me has been repaired since then. Not because I wanted to but because I had to do it. Reaching inside and bringing up all the shit you deal with isn’t as easy as one can hope for. 

It’s painful. It’s gut wrenching. And in some cases it’s tearful and can lead to minor depression. So why in the world am I longing for this “familiar” and for this “safety” knowing what it did to me? 

I don’t have answer for that… Why does one want to do what isn’t good for them? Is it because it’s easier than moving forward to the unknown? Is it because we see what we don’t understand or know as scary…?

There is a conversation that I have wanted to have with someone for a little bit. But I have made this assessment and I have wanted to make sure that what I’m doing and the reason for these conversations aren’t because of my “longing for the familiar.”

It’s strange to say… and it’s hard to admit that… It almost makes you feel weak when you call it out in yourself... I mean why we want the past... the familiar.

This has been my struggle and wondering through all of this… Wondering if the familiar in this instance is really that safe. The reality is that it might not be safe at all. This is probably one of those times where sitting with a thought is much safer than acting on it

Just quarantine thought. 

Why We Do What We Do

There is a lot going on right now... there are many of us that are worried about what is going to happen to our jobs, our company's, and our loved ones. We all have some worry about the world right now. I have even heard business owner's ask the question, "Is this even worth still trying to do?" I'm in the hospitality business and this Corona Virus is devastating the hospitality world.

"But why do we do it? Why do we keep going? What's the point? Why not close up shop and throw in the towel? Everyone else on our street has... The market of the brewing industry has changed so much... Is it even worth trying to do again? We have to re-launch every brand and act like we are opening for the first time all over again." Are just some of the things I have heard said.

I don't remember who said it but, "The greatest canvas upon which we can paint is that of humanity." We all leave a mark on the world around us. We paint whether we want to or not and we do it without realizing it.

About a year ago we brewed a beer here at Cannon Brew Pub that we named, Newman's 20th. Jim Newman was our fist brewer and one of our founders, who passed away too early in his life. So for our 20th anniversary we named the barrel aged brut sour after him.

I was doing some work on a Saturday when the bar area got full. We only had one bartender at that moment along with a full dinning room. So I grabbed about half the group and took them into the brewery for a small walk about and tour.

On my 2nd tour that afternoon I noticed a woman in the group that was very curious about what was being said but did not really interact with anyone in the group. When the tour was done and I was shaking hands with people as they were leaving the brewery she stayed around. Once everyone was gone she began asking me questions. Some of them were specific and very detailed questions about the Cannon.

We were standing next some of the wine barrels we had filled and she asked, "What's in the barrels?" I responded with, "That is our 20th Anniversary beer and it will release in August." She again asked, "What style is it and do you have a name for it yet?" I said, "Yes ma'am. It is Barrel Aged Brut Sour and we are naming it Newman's 20th as an ode to our first brewer and founder." Immediately this woman begins to cry and as I stand there dumbfounded about what is happening she get's the words out through tears, "I'm sorry. I should have introduced myself. My name is Donna Davidson. I am Jim's sister."

This is why we do what we do...

A Happiness Jones

I heard this song several times over the last couple of days called Happiness Jones by The Wood Brothers (Link at the bottom).  The opening lines of the song are...

"All of my wisdom came from all the toughest days
I never learned a thing being happy"

2019 was not kind to me. Not in the least bit from losing a job and having to move from a town I love back to Columbus to having someone I thought I was going to marry end things with me. But had it been an easy year I don't know that all of own faults would have risen up nor would I have recognized the reoccurring patterns that were taking place in some of my relationships. This has happened mostly because of some heavy duty soul searching and a no nonsense counselor/therapist who has put me in my place more than once.

This may seem a little narcissistic to write about but maybe the one or two of you who read this will have some sort of solace because you have or are dealing with some hard things in your own life. So here are a few things I have learned about myself in the last yr.

If you haven't done any reading into the Enneagram personalities (numbered 1-9) I would highly recommend doing so. Outside of my counseling/therapy this reading has opened my eyes to the way I relate to other people both in a stressed mentality and in my healthy mentality. The idea behind this is it shows you "the box" that we have built for ourselves and how to get out of it. Through this I have learned that I am what is referred to as a #8 (Challenger).

So just a quick synopsis. The Challenger has several characteristics. But the ones that sort of hit home for me were the ones dealing with the status quo. I hate being stagnate. Which is why I hated coming back to Columbus in the beginning. I felt like I was going backwards. This is also why I don't like indecision in my relationships whether it be friends, dating, or working. In other words, I realize that I am not a very patient person sometimes.

Having this sort of "personality" comes with a few downfalls too (as they all do). My biggest downfall is probably lust. Not lust as in sex. Lust as in lust for life. Lust for what is next and what is coming. A want to be full blown in the mix and the need to fill my time with people and activities. Leaving me little to no time to have my own thoughts. No time to be alone with them and think through my emotions.

Another discovery is that I'm an Empath. "Whoa! Who calls themselves that!?" I know trust me. When my counselor called me that and I "politely" asked her to explain what she meant because I immediately took offense to it. She explained it like this...

Two friends are on a hike and one falls into a ditch and breaks an ankle to the extent they can't get out. If the friend is sympathetic they will climb down and sit them with them and then you have two people stuck in the ditch because sympathy won't leave.  If the other friend is empathetic they will do their best to get help. They realize that there is no use in getting into the ditch because it won't solve the situation.

This means that the empath is easy to take advantage of because they will end up running around trying to do for others to the detriment of themselves and those closest to them. Combine that with my "lust for life" and I'll do just about anything and let myself be taken for granted and used.

So I have started to set boundaries and standards for myself and my relationships. And when people try and cross them or try and get me to do the same... It's game over. I highly recommend you do this in your own life. Most of us have standards and boundaries. But set these hard in the ground and root them.  Be ok with hearing and telling the truth. People are worth the truth, you included. And when people don't give you the truth... walk away and tell them why you're doing it in a loving way. Their response to this will tell you a lot them and your friendship.

No! It's not easy. And Yes! It will hurt like hell sometimes because you are having to do it to friends and people you love. No one is exempt from the standards you set. Not even oneself. Your friend group may get smaller but those are the ones that respect you and your standards. They understand what you are doing.

There are 3 of us in a group of 6 that have birthdays next week and we are celebrating together... for the that is my friend group here. They have experienced the last year with me in many ways and have for some reason decided to keep me around. They are also the ones that understand the standards without me telling them. It's gonna be a good birthday... But more or less because I'll be with them...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKIoiVWwF5A

Draconic

Living a nightmare right now

I want to wake up so badly.

I want this to end.

Forever ago it seems

That this begins.

The silence is deafening.

It’s truth is painfully… present.

Speaking louder as the day goes on.

It was me that caused it.

It was you that unleashed it.

But truth is what happened.

To be caught in a lie

And then you try…

A reaction out of hurt.

An approach of holding a standard.

I caused the pain.

I unleashed the anger.

I hold the standard.

And a friend will hold it high…

If not…

It’s time to say goodbye…

It's a Quarter...

Hey All, I know, I know… It’s been longer than it should have. However, If you remember one of my last blogs I made a promise that I would not under any circumstances post about things in my life if I have not found the “other side”. I have unfortunately not been able to find the other side of some of the events that have taking place. But I thought I might write about somethings that have happened and are just simple stories.

Last December we had one of Sundays that was just a brutal day weather wise. But it’s the kind of weather I like. It’s cold, dark, raining… and let’s not forget windy. I know, it’s strange for anyone raised in Middle Georgia to like this type of weather. But I can’t help it. Mostly because it gives me a really good excuse to make some chili. And that is exactly what I did.

I don’t live far from an Aldi so I went up there to get my ingredients. In case you are unaware of how Aldi operates with their carts. You put a quarter into the car and it unlocks it. When you return your cart you get your quarter back. 

After I had placed all of items into my bags after checking out. I was getting ready to leave when a woman stopped me, “Excuse me sir. Could I give you a dollar for your cart? I don’t want to stand in line to get quarters.” You could see the angst in her eyes and hear the desperation in her voice. 

“Ma’am you can just have the cart. I’m not taking a dollar for a quarter.”

“Sir all I have is a dollar. I don’t have any quarters.”

As I took my things from the cart and passed it to her I said, “Ma’am please just take the cart. It’s a quarter… I’ll survive. Have a good day.”

She took her dollar and placed it back in her clutch and as she placed it in the cart. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and mouthed, “Thank You.” In such a low level that I never heard her say it. Just saw her lips move. 

This happened right around Christmas. “Tis the season” right? What about the rest of the year? Why not just be kind when we see the opportunity brewing? Just love for the sake of love. 

Do it in such a way that no one knows. If you do it for the recognition the true impact of helping a fellow human being is lost. I believe that people are worth a couple of things. One of them is kindness. I’m not saying that you have to be a doormat and let people walk on you. You can be kind and not be a doormat.

When love is shown and given, the impact is made… a quarter is capable…